When You Lost Hope

Do not be fooled by the title. It’s not a motivational post. It’s just a messy story from the deep thought of mine.

I don’t believe it I finally reached this level of not-telling-anyone-what-I-feel-and-it-drives-me-crazy.

I don’t have boyfriend, so telling my boyfriend is automatically crossed out.

I have friends. I do have some closest friends. I could just tell them what I feel or what I think. But I didn’t. They are busy and I know their bussiness are way more important than me, so I don’t wanna bother them with this messy feeling inside. Telling my friends? Eliminated.

I have parents. I do. They are alive. But.. just read my previous post. It always stops me from telling my parents.

Let’s see.. what’s left?

My God. Allah is what left. 😦

I know I should’ve put Allah on the first list and honestly, I prefer telling my worry to  Allah, but.. I always think that Allah must has known my problem already, so I don’t have to tell it. Even if I tell Allah my worry, I don’t think I can hug Allah physically. I want a hug. I wanna cry a lot and lean my face on something. And I know I can’t do those to Allah. That’s why. 😦

And I also don’t believe it that I am back again to the stage where I want to meet a psychiatrist. I believe that for a normal person it’s not normal if you meet psychiatrist. And I bet you have no idea how many times I wish I could come and meet psychiatrist. I have once asked my mother to take me to a psychiatrist, but she didn’t grant it. She asked me why, I kept silent, she didn’t get any satisfying answer, she didn’t take me there. Quite understandable.

Ah.. whatever.

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