A Letter of Blue Longing

This brokenhearted pain is so unbearable.

I wish I had more pictures of him.
More memories of him.

I love him to death.
I miss him like crazy.

They said that big girls don’t cry.
But… I am just a little girl of yours.
I will always be your little sister.

I wish I could see you.
I wish I could meet you right now.
Talk to you about how long you’ve been gone.
And about how I miss you.

I am sorry that I didn’t treat you better.

This MRC song. Your favorite Famous Last Word
Is the only tool for me to remember you.
No video. No voice of yours.
Just this song.
Your favorite one.

I hated your taste of music back then.
I hated that silly band in black and white costume.
But now. Years after the first time I knew this band. Memories of you have forced me to like this band too. Just like you.

I remember.
You know I always remember one moment.
The moment I love the most as well as I hate the most.
I remember the time you said that you were glad that I didn’t get accepted in Taruna Nusantara School. You said that you didn’t want me to be away from you. But LOOK WHO IS AWAY NOW?!
I didn’t blame you. And I can’t be mad at Allah either. He is too kind to lend me you for 17 years. I should be grateful.
But Mas, I can’t lie. This is so painful.

I remember your funeral.
I remember seeing your body being buried.
I remember my denial.
Hoping that the next morning I woke up and your funeral was only a dream.
Only a terrible and horrible nightmare.

I wish I could share my sadness.
I wish I had someone to be by my side. Accompany me. Comfort me.
But no. I don’t.

I wish you were here.

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