Tirai No. 21 – Teruntuk Kamu yang Di Sana (part. 17)

Why can’t we be in official BF-GF relationship?

Last night I dreamt about you.
Maybe it’s because I miss you so much… or because a part of me regret that our “relationship” has to meet its end. You have no idea how much I like you and how much I could become a needy and clingy “girlfriend”. I really like you, dear… but if I could turn back the time, I probably would still end our “relationship”.
Do you realize that lately it was me the one who ended our call? Have you ever wonder why? The answer is simple yet complicated. Because I didn’t want to disturb you with my clingy thing even though I really wanted to call you until one of us went to sleep. Do you know how hurtful that was for me to do that? To think that I was a disturbance for you and I had to “behave” in front of you… when you’re the one I trusted the most… when you’re the one that I was willing to be more open.

Kalau dipikir-pikir sejak kapan aku ngerasa jadi beban gini buat kamu ya?

13 Januari. Teruntuk Kamu yang Di Sana (part. 16) when I felt like you didn’t listen to me. Kemudian aku mulai berpikir bahwa mungkin kamu tidak mendengarkan karena menganggap cerita aku bukan apa-apa dan aku hanyalah beban untuk kamu. Kemudian sedikit demi sedikit aku mulai mengurangi intensitas interaksi kita sampai ke titik dimana aku menjadi tidak enjoy dengan hubungan kita. Lalu aku mulai khawatir dengan hubungan kita yang terasa aneh ini. You know… we’re in relationship but not in a relationship. Apalagi setelah ibuku bilang ke aku bahwa kamu seperti tidak serius sama aku. Di situ aku menjadi goyah. Sangat goyah.

Dan Sabtu, 23 Februari, itu menjadi puncak dari semua kekhawatiran aku karena saat itu aku sadar bahwa kita ini cuma HTS-an. That we’re in OPEN relationship. I remember that a year ago, neither one of us asked to be in more settle relationship like BF-GF. So… on the Sunday I decided to ask you to be my boyfriend. And your answer was that you didn’t want to be my boyfriend because you didn’t want to be possessive boyfriend (the type of boyfriend that I hate) to me. So you said, it’s better for us to stay in this open relationship so that you wouldn’t be possessive about me.

But no, dear… It’s not open relationship if I am not really allowed to do things with other guys. It’s not open relationship if there’s only you in my mind and you expected yourself to be my only guy. That’s not open relationship should be. An open relationship should be a relationship where a woman is allowed to have other relationships with different guys but this woman only faithful to one certain guy (in this case, you), and vice versa.

But you… you wanted an open relationship but you still expected me to have you as my only guy. Then why can’t we just be BF-GF, dear? Why? And then you said that you wanted me to behave in front of my male friends because the way I treated my male friends looked like there’s a romance between me and my male friends. Bruh. There’s no romance between me and my male friends. And you knew that’s how I always treat my male friends.

On our last chat, I read a text from you that (in my opinion) sound like, “Take it or leave it.” Why did you have to say that, my dear? Why? Did you think that I would not leave you? Go ask yourself, my dear. Have you ever in any second wanted me to be your girlfriend? Have you?

Perhaps your answer was the reason we can’t be in official BF-GF relationship.