I Can’t Believe I am Here

Lately I have had the strangest feeling.
It just feels so hard to believe that here I am in this situation.

Go ahead and ask the former Sitia
whether she would continue to master program after her undergraduate program…
whether she would be eager to study engineering again for the third time…
whether she would stay up late in library, studying…
whether she would care about how her look…
whether she would ponder what clothes to wear…
whether she would put on some make up…
whether she would wear long dress almost everyday…
whether she would join that quite Islamic committee…

Just go ahead and ask her.

I am certain that she would say
no… because she was fed-up with studying engineering…
no… because she was not a fan of engineering subjects and she felt tired of studying the same thing over and over again…
no… because she preferred playing a game than staying in library…
no… because she did not care about how people see her…
no… because she loved her pajamas so much that she wore it anytime and anywhere…
no… because doing make up was too girly for her…
no… because she simply didn’t like long dress… too girly, too inconvenient, not her style…
no… because she was not interested in joining the “right-side” committee…

But here she is.

And here I am.

Studying the same engineering subjects again in master program.
Staying up late in library.
Caring about how good I look.
Wearing long dress, almost every day.
Always putting on a little bit of make up.
Joining that “right-side” committee.
Having crush on him again.

I understand that fate is unpredictable,
but still…

I can’t believe I am here…

In this unlikely-to-be-true circumstances.

That Firework

It is not new year’s night tonight
But the triumph has been buzzing like bees looking for its honey outside this castle
Like a parade happening on the road
With that balloons
With that ribbons
With that flowers
Even with that French horns

People smiling
Chattering
Drinking
Shouting
They are partying on the road
Outside this castle

But dear
Little did they know
Here in this castle
There is delectation
More than that gibberish
More than that liquor
More than that scream
Even more than that feast

And dear
Here in this castle
You will find that firework
The firework that you’ve been looking for
The one that never in your life you’ve seen this kind
The one that no one in this realm has ever known about it

Be my guest
And I will show you
You will see, and I assure you that
Nothing in this world is as magnificent as mine
Because dear, no one can craft a firework as good as you-know-who

So dear,

Just be my guest

Now I Remember

Why I loved him
Why he was so attractive to me back then

Now I remember

His light
His shine
Has mesmerized me

His open arms
His overwhelming heart
Has calm my shivering world down

The ease he gave me
The truth he gave me
I remember

The sound of his voice
Singing only to me
Back then
I remember

And I am in love again

Dear library

A Letter of Blue Longing

This brokenhearted pain is so unbearable.

I wish I had more pictures of him.
More memories of him.

I love him to death.
I miss him like crazy.

They said that big girls don’t cry.
But… I am just a little girl of yours.
I will always be your little sister.

I wish I could see you.
I wish I could meet you right now.
Talk to you about how long you’ve been gone.
And about how I miss you.

I am sorry that I didn’t treat you better.

This MRC song. Your favorite Famous Last Word
Is the only tool for me to remember you.
No video. No voice of yours.
Just this song.
Your favorite one.

I hated your taste of music back then.
I hated that silly band in black and white costume.
But now. Years after the first time I knew this band. Memories of you have forced me to like this band too. Just like you.

I remember.
You know I always remember one moment.
The moment I love the most as well as I hate the most.
I remember the time you said that you were glad that I didn’t get accepted in Taruna Nusantara School. You said that you didn’t want me to be away from you. But LOOK WHO IS AWAY NOW?!
I didn’t blame you. And I can’t be mad at Allah either. He is too kind to lend me you for 17 years. I should be grateful.
But Mas, I can’t lie. This is so painful.

I remember your funeral.
I remember seeing your body being buried.
I remember my denial.
Hoping that the next morning I woke up and your funeral was only a dream.
Only a terrible and horrible nightmare.

I wish I could share my sadness.
I wish I had someone to be by my side. Accompany me. Comfort me.
But no. I don’t.

I wish you were here.

Today Is . . .

Today is Wednesday, May 27. I wake up in the morning, 4.45 am. Surprised and amazed, because usually 4.45 am is the time I start sleeping after staying awake all night long.

Today is Wednesday, May 27. There is no power cut today. Grateful, because since three days ago I’ve experienced the power cut at day.

Today is Wednesday, May 27. The day when suddenly two of my male friends ask me to go out for karaoke. Surprising, because usually it is me who ask them to hang out.

Today is Wednesday, May 27. Unlike yesteday and the day before yesterday, the weather today is a little bit odd. It rains, while the sky appears bright.

Today is Wednesday, May 27. It is the day when my bestfriend’s boyfriend, Remon, finally presents his final project in front of three examiners. Thank God, he gets AB.

Today is Wednesday, May 27. Free pizzas for me and the other four people. Remon’s treat as his celebration.

Today is Wednesnay, May 27. I update my blog on wordpress. Hoping my anger will vanish into the air while I write.

Today is Wednesday, May 27. I am disappointed again.

.

.

.

.

.

We have to cancel our plan to hang out together at karaoke place. I am freaking upset right now.

Aku Rindu

Aku rindu menatapmu dengan cinta yang malu-malu..
Bukan dengan cinta yang buas dan liar yang kapan saja bisa melilitku hingga sesak aku dibuatnya..

Aku rindu merindukanmu dengan sedikit percikan api gelisah,
yang tak kunjung menyala dan
tak kunjung padam..
Bukan rindu sebatas segayung air,
yang habis ketika tertuang dan
berat ketika terciduk..

Aku rindu ketika aku adalah aku dan
kamu adalah kamu..
Bukan aku yang terlalu aku dan
kamu yang terlalu kamu..

Aku rindu ketika cinta kita masih..