Tirai No. 20 – About Love and About Hate

Have you ever love someone so much that you don’t want to marry him because of your messed up family? Have you ever love someone so much that you start praying for him to meet and marry another woman who is better than you?

I have.

Well, that’s exactly what I feel right now.

I love him but I don’t want to marry him. I really don’t have a heart to drag the man I love into the problem that I always have a hard time to deal with.

I love him but I don’t want to marry him. I really don’t have a heart to reproduce and pass on any physical or mental characteristics genetically to another generation.

I love him and I want him to be happy, but I don’t think I (and of course my family) can be his source of happiness.

I really want him to be happy but I don’t think he will be happy with me. Well, no one will.

Hai kamu… I wanna break up.

Tirai No. 19 – About Marriage

Lately my brain has been filled by the thought about marriage. And to be honest, I hate thinking about it. It’s because I can be eager to get married and be frightened at the same time, which leads to exhaustion. And who’s the winner? Is it the eagerness or is it the fright?

Well…

It’s the fright.

The more I think about marriage, the more I want to step back. But I can’t be single forever, can I? Plus, if I want to have children, it’s impossible to be actualized if I have no husband, correct? Dang! I wish I could clone myself and create my mini-me. LOL.

Now the question is… what’s made me so scared of marriage.

Apa ya? Apa sih?

Well… I think, what scares me is the fact that marriage is a once in a lifetime decision and I’m so scared of messing it up. Perhaps… the marriage I have seen is mostly not the marriage I picture in my mind. My too-much-watching-disney-movie mind thinks that marriage should be happily forever after, which doesn’t suit the reality. I believe, every marriage has its own ups and downs. And I don’t know if I can do it well. I think, I am lack of confidence -and courage, of course.

Since it’s a once in a lifetime decision, I am having hard time to choose the Mr. Right. It’s not that I have many options, though. I mean, even in a case of Hobson’s choice, it’s hard enough for me to decide. Like, I don’t wanna be single forever but I am not sure if this man is the one. I just don’t wanna spend the rest of my life with the wrong person -and the wrong family. But, how do I know that this man will be my life partner? How do YOU know that your man will be your life partner? You don’t! You’ve never known because marriage is a gamble. No offense.

Gosh! I need something to believe. (Just believe in Allah, Bek!)

What should I do? 😥