Her Name is Vanessa

Remember my post A Romantic Wednesday With VCF?

Well, I am going to tell a story about Vanessa, the girl I was with in that post.

Her name is Vanessa.

The first time we met was in the year of 2010. Probably in August or September. We attended the same university, which is Telkom University. We were classmates.

My first impression when I saw her was like, “Whoaa this girl is so pretty like a doll.” And yeah, I meant it.
She literally looked like a doll with her white skin, wispy bang, coloured softlens, chubby cheeks, tiny skinny body, and girlie bandanna. She literally looked like a Korean girl.


See how Korean she looks here.

We’d been just acquaintance to each other until we met again in the same English course institution, which was The British English (TBI). We became closer because of TBI. Together with our classmate, Yudha, we often hangout together. Our favorite place to hangout was (and still!) karaoke place. We have tried different karaoke places in Bandung, but we usually went to Eclipse, the cheapest and the most esek-esek mencurigakan karaoke place. Maklum, mahasiswa mah nyari yang murah meskipun ya… begitulah… LOL.

Since the three of us often hangout together, we named ourself as the TBI Ranger. Sounds childish? Ikr.


The TBI Ranger. When we were young and naive.

As I and Vanessa became closer, we often shared our life and our thought to each other. The most shocking thought she has ever shared to me was when she’s saying that she didn’t wanna have a baby. She even told me that she had told her mother about that. And then she told me again that she didn’t wanna get married, or if she had married, she wanted to do it as late as possible with the guy who willing to have no child. Oh God. What a crazy mindblowing thought! I was just literally speechless when I heard that. -_-

We often talked about our love life story. Whom I adored, whom she adored, that kind of story. She is a devoted person. She was very loyal to the guy she like, even though that guy was a two-timer and she knew it. I remember she’s telling a story about her being cheated on by her ex and a story about her being played by useless jerk. Every time she told me about that guy, I was like, “Just leave him!”. But no, she didn’t leave him no matter how many times he hurt her. I just couldn’t understand how she could handle staying with that… kind of person.

So when she told me again about the new guy she’s in love with, I was like, “Please no more cheater.” I was hoping that the new guy was the Mr.Right for her. But since we were busy with our bussiness, I didn’t know much about him (let’s call him R), as I and Vanessa became rarely talk to each other. I only knew that they started dating and then they became girlfriend and boyfriend.

It was December 21, 2015 when she suddenly texted me. I had a feeling that she’s going to vent about something. I felt like something must have happened to her. So I prepared myself to listen to the worst part of her story.

“We are going to get engaged.” She texted me.

In my mind, I was like…what? ENGAGED? ENGAGED TO GET MARRIED??? Who? You? With R? Are you serious? Like seriously… YOU??? The one who told me her disinterest about kids and marriage? Really?

It wasn’t that I didn’t feel happy for her. It’s a good news, of course I did feel glad… but I just couldn’t believe it.


March 2016. Her engagement day.

Her wedding day will be in ***sensor***. I hope everything goes well as planned. And I hope they will live happily ever after. Aamiin.



Her name is Vanessa, and she is going to get married.


Yesterday night. Vanessa Bridal Shower.

 Doakan aku menyusul. Aamiin. #eh

I Can’t Believe I am Here

Lately I have had the strangest feeling.
It just feels so hard to believe that here I am in this situation.

Go ahead and ask the former Sitia
whether she would continue to master program after her undergraduate program…
whether she would be eager to study engineering again for the third time…
whether she would stay up late in library, studying…
whether she would care about how her look…
whether she would ponder what clothes to wear…
whether she would put on some make up…
whether she would wear long dress almost everyday…
whether she would join that quite Islamic committee…

Just go ahead and ask her.

I am certain that she would say
no… because she was fed-up with studying engineering…
no… because she was not a fan of engineering subjects and she felt tired of studying the same thing over and over again…
no… because she preferred playing a game than staying in library…
no… because she did not care about how people see her…
no… because she loved her pajamas so much that she wore it anytime and anywhere…
no… because doing make up was too girly for her…
no… because she simply didn’t like long dress… too girly, too inconvenient, not her style…
no… because she was not interested in joining the “right-side” committee…

But here she is.

And here I am.

Studying the same engineering subjects again in master program.
Staying up late in library.
Caring about how good I look.
Wearing long dress, almost every day.
Always putting on a little bit of make up.
Joining that “right-side” committee.
Having crush on him again.

I understand that fate is unpredictable,
but still…

I can’t believe I am here…

In this unlikely-to-be-true circumstances.

That Firework

It is not new year’s night tonight
But the triumph has been buzzing like bees looking for its honey outside this castle
Like a parade happening on the road
With that balloons
With that ribbons
With that flowers
Even with that French horns

People smiling
They are partying on the road
Outside this castle

But dear
Little did they know
Here in this castle
There is delectation
More than that gibberish
More than that liquor
More than that scream
Even more than that feast

And dear
Here in this castle
You will find that firework
The firework that you’ve been looking for
The one that never in your life you’ve seen this kind
The one that no one in this realm has ever known about it

Be my guest
And I will show you
You will see, and I assure you that
Nothing in this world is as magnificent as mine
Because dear, no one can craft a firework as good as you-know-who

So dear,

Just be my guest

Now I Remember

Why I loved him
Why he was so attractive to me back then

Now I remember

His light
His shine
Has mesmerized me

His open arms
His overwhelming heart
Has calm my shivering world down

The ease he gave me
The truth he gave me
I remember

The sound of his voice
Singing only to me
Back then
I remember

And I am in love again

Dear library

A Letter of Blue Longing

This brokenhearted pain is so unbearable.

I wish I had more pictures of him.
More memories of him.

I love him to death.
I miss him like crazy.

They said that big girls don’t cry.
But… I am just a little girl of yours.
I will always be your little sister.

I wish I could see you.
I wish I could meet you right now.
Talk to you about how long you’ve been gone.
And about how I miss you.

I am sorry that I didn’t treat you better.

This MRC song. Your favorite Famous Last Word
Is the only tool for me to remember you.
No video. No voice of yours.
Just this song.
Your favorite one.

I hated your taste of music back then.
I hated that silly band in black and white costume.
But now. Years after the first time I knew this band. Memories of you have forced me to like this band too. Just like you.

I remember.
You know I always remember one moment.
The moment I love the most as well as I hate the most.
I remember the time you said that you were glad that I didn’t get accepted in Taruna Nusantara School. You said that you didn’t want me to be away from you. But LOOK WHO IS AWAY NOW?!
I didn’t blame you. And I can’t be mad at Allah either. He is too kind to lend me you for 17 years. I should be grateful.
But Mas, I can’t lie. This is so painful.

I remember your funeral.
I remember seeing your body being buried.
I remember my denial.
Hoping that the next morning I woke up and your funeral was only a dream.
Only a terrible and horrible nightmare.

I wish I could share my sadness.
I wish I had someone to be by my side. Accompany me. Comfort me.
But no. I don’t.

I wish you were here.